Archive for the ‘writing’ category

When Life Feels Like a Bailsbondsman

August 25, 2013

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When Life Feels Like a Bailbondsman

It is useless to say you didn’t do it.

He’s about ten times bigger and not listening so when, after a bruising tussle, he clamps you onto a narrow board, and ties on, for good measure, an old army blanket, it’s probably best to just go slack.

To breathe deeply, except, you know, when he funnels that board into the back of an old station wagon, the motor gusting. Then you might just want to hold your breath. The blanket is your friend there.

As the board clunks against the lift gate, steel your spine against the rat-a-tat-tat, ruts in metal. Most important of all, keep, if you can, a positive outlook.

Okay, it’s hard. You hurt. It scratches.

It may help, in this regard, to think of fall leaves, the swish of your feet through dried color, the warmth of a borrowed sweater, the childhood wonder of a picked-off scab.

Cold nights, when, with the seats froze stiff, the roughest wool was somehow a picnic.
Snow blue mornings when, socks on, the whole world echoed orange.

Oh sure, it’s not ideal. Your eyes glitter in the olive scritch, but the wool smells at best like rotting grass, a field where you once fell, maybe not laughing; the board sunken rocks in that field.

Still, now as the road rumbles in steady bumps, just see if you can’t find stars–there through the coarse-grained weave, through the tan of car roof, through that outer blanket of night–

Just see if you can’t feel the wind rifling your hair, sluicing across your skin–how can the wind make it through a blanket you ask? How does it caress your cheekbones, lying flat?

You’re overthinking it, I say, telling you to just feel the freedom, and you groan, oh sure, maybe the wind is free.

And who are you anyway, you ask accusingly, to talk about all this shit.

And I sigh from the next board over, the next clump of coarse blanket, and confess, with some embarrassment, that it is just possible they will charge us with conspiracy.

But don’t worry, I add, we didn’t do it.

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Here’s I-don’t-know-what kind of a piece, posted for no current prompt; just for fun of sorts. Have a good week. I am en route to city and office life tonight. (I swear that was not the inspiration for this piece!)

Thumbsplitter (Update)

May 18, 2013

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The above, believe it of not, is supposed to be a mantis shrimp (a super-violent shrimp–for a shrimp)–confronting a very brave dog and elephant.

The mantis shrimp, known also as the thumbsplitter, is not actually a shrimp. It does, however, has both a super-aggressive personality and a little hammer claw which is supposed to hit like a low-caliber bullet.

I have not run into any mantis shrimp, but I am FINALLY beginning to work on one of my old novel manuscripts. It’s taken a lot of time for me to get down to it, and much of that time is spent worrying about blogging and poetry, I really miss the blogging community. I miss the daily engagement both with fellow bloggers and with a short doable piece or prompt. But I am also acutely aware that I can’t at the moment “have it all” = if I were to spend my free time blogging and poeticising (even a short poem), I would have little time or energy to deal with my “novels”.

So, I’m a bit miserable. I feel like I am confronting one of these nasty thumbsplitters. (Worst of all, the irritable shrimp is myself!)

But I am getting down to work at last on a few other projects. We’ll see how long it lasts!

Quandary – Plea for Advice

March 14, 2013
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Thinking of PI–Whoops!

I taking a trip to India at the beginning of next month!   I am going to meet up with one of my daughters who has been having a very intense time working with a wonderful women’s labor collective there.  (More on that another post.)

Yes, it is exciting.  Yes, I feel incredibly blessed (i) to be able to make the trip, (ii) to have such daughters.

The trip will (inevitably) be an adventure, but is also intended as a break for both my daughter and me.  We will travel a little but not be truly touring.  I am hoping, in other words, to have some writing time.

My quandary – what to write.

I have a few old manuscripts of novels bopping around.  These are things I constantly put off truly finalizing on the grounds that I need concentrated time.

(But I will traveling in India, as in – concentrated time?  It is also a place where I just might want to look at something besides a computer screen.)

It will also be April – National Poetry Month–which I have used, in the past, as a goad to post a poem a day.

But there are these old manuscripts.  That I have wanted to finish for a very long time.

One is a fantasy novel that has an Indian-like backdrop – sometimes called “Butterfly,” sometimes “I For An Eye.”   It deals with issues of appearance, magic, empathy, forgiveness of self and others.  I have spent  years, off and on, writing and re-writing it.  It sometimes feels like a sick pet riding around on my back – something I have either to cure or put to a final “sleep”–something, in other words, that I need to address before getting involved with another pet.

But the fact is, I’ve cheated.  I have gotten involved with other pets – i.e. manuscripts.  And one of these–one that I’ve also thought of working on in India–is tentatively called “Outsider Art” and deals with things like self-image, the making and classification of art,  love, kidnapping, families, possibly country music, possibly HIV.  It  is in an extremely rough state with large chunks that haven’t been written, others that haven’t been typed (might even be lost at this point).

Then there’s the whole question of whether I should try to blog from India.  I can imagine blogging from India as being rather fun.  But the trip could also be a useful break from blogging. (And what about finishing those manuscripts!!!!)

I know it is a rather silly quandary.  There are people (including myself sometimes) grappling with true problems.

Still, it is a decision that has been difficult for me, at least, and one I think would be useful to make in advance. If, for no other reason, than to think through what kinds of electronic devices I should cart around with me.

I would appreciate any ideas, suggestions, absolution.  (I say, absolution, as I have a feeling the manuscripts will definitely lose out to the immediacy of everything else.  Agh.)

Still, I thank you.

P.S. – this is my post for PI day – 3.14 – the conundrum (to me) of what makes a circle round.  I feel like my not working on the manuscripts is almost as inevitable as PI.  Or, is it?

“Butterfly” – excerpt

January 23, 2013

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Once upon a time there was a kingdom in which the royal family was beautiful–perfectly beautiful.

Of course, there were occasional whispers that some young cousin had a hawkish nose, stringy hair, even an unfortunate birthmark. But by the time that particular royal child reached adulthood, the nose was aquiline, the locks luxurious, the skin uniform.

In ages before, the Nizamies had been better known for their strange “gifts” than their looks. The royal gifts were always thought of as magical, but they were just bits of magic–a single power– rather than a whole cupboardfull.

For some Nizamies (for that was the name of that clan), the power was but a parlor trick—an ability to spark a light or find an object–while in the case of others, it dominated the royal’s whole life, even the entire kingdom.

Take the great Queen Ayodyah. She was quite ordinary in most respects.  Her gift, however, was “followability”– an uncanny knack for making people trail after her, or, as later royal historians liked to call it, “leadership”.

Ayodyah’s gift was a bit annoying at balls, when the whole dance floor formed a conga train at her heels, but it proved invaluable at war, where not only her own army fell in behind her, but the opposing army as well.

Count Hyderadi was known for fireproofing. Nothing he owned -not matches, not kindling, not even marshmallows – would burn. The gift was a great boon to the Count during the drought of 1421 when forest fires broke out over the countryside and it was found that a simple deed of the burning acres to Count Hyderadi was all it took to quench the flames. The gift proved less of a boon, however, when the Count and his men were discovered in the King’s forests one dry night with torches and lamp oil. Then all it got him was a length of knotted rope.

This story, though, takes place some years after the deaths of both Queen Ayodayah and Count Hyderadi, during an age in the Kingdom of Zindabar when the Nizamie gifts had become much less important. During this time, in fact, the old magic was sometimes viewed as awkward,  especially since it was believed that, occasionally, the strange gifts affected the royal’s appearance. It was said, for example, that the great Queen Ayodyah had had a funny notch on her spine (which looked for all the world like a small tail), and that Count Hyderadi was constantly streaming with sweat.

And in the time of this story, no royal wanted a tail or to be overly sweaty. No, what had become important to the Nizamies was beauty, perfect beauty. That was deemed magic enough.

It was into this magically beautiful royal family that the Grand Duchess Ahmimaya Theodora Christina Nizamie Tureth was born.  She wasn’t a grand duchess then.  Her mother was the grand duchess and she was just a little tiny baby with a red wrinkled face and a voice that went ‘waah’.

But soon, as she grew older, she became a lot less red, less wrinkly, and instead of saying “waah”, was actually very happy most of the time.

Unfortunately, when she was thirteen all that changed.  Her parents’ boat was caught in a storm on the Great Inland Sea.  And although her mother and Nana, working together, had managed to keep her afloat, her father, and then her mother too, were drowned.  In other words, her life had been saved, but her life also, the life she had always known,  had been swept away.

So that instead of being a very happy non-duchess who spent most of her time learning, studying and talking with her parents,  and exploring, both with and without them, the gardens and forests and sea coast around their small but  remarkably cozy castle, and, as much as possible, avoiding Nana who was constantly telling her the proper way to stand, sit, look and behave, she was a very sad grand duchess who, accompanied by that same Nana, sat in a hot dusty train, headed south.

A summons had come from the capital.  The Queen, her mother’s sister, had called Ahmi to court.

Ahmi  only knew what her Aunt looked like from seeing her face on coins.  Even then, she’d not seen it much.  For her Aunt’s beautiful face was reserved for gold coins of the highest denominations.  And Ahmi, though now a Grand Duchess, did not actually see that kind of gold very much.

She wondered sometimes as they headed south, why she had not drowned too.  Why her mother, and then Nana, had not simply let her go.  A part of her sometimes wished they had.  But when she thought of that black swirl of wave, the chilling, choking force of the water around and above her, terror filled her chest, and she knew she could never truly wish for that.

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The above is sort of the preface of a fantasy novel I have written (but not published) called either “Butterfly” or “An I for an Eye.” (If you have any ideas about the title – not knowing anything about the book – please let me know.  (Also after initial posting I added a section that leads into main story.  So sorry for length.)  

I am posting this for Kerry O’Connor’s challenge on With Real Toads to create another world. The world is not described very vividly in the above excerpt, but as a preface, it seemed fairly self-contained. Plus I did the little drawing this morning of Queen Ayodayah (not actually an elephant.)

Thanks much for reading!

As always, all rights are reserved.

Tired of Computer. Six-Word Stories.

December 3, 2012

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The wonderful poet Luke Prater has a great post up about six-word stories, including a most famous and fantastic one by Ernest Hemingway, as well as some terrific ones of his own.  I urge you to check out Luke’s post.  (It also includes some of the background as to what makes these micro-fictions work.)

As for me – it’s been a very long day with lots of hours spent on the computer. A great night, in other words, to doodle on a yellow pad and scribble out something very very short.  Here are a few of my attempts;  each is separate. 

I can imagine arranging each of these as poems – one can feel the line breaks in each.   But for now, they are just short short stories.  Even so, I am linking them to dVerse Poets Pub Open Link Night, hosted by Tashtoo!

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DNA conclusive.  Thirty years too late.

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Learning to land didn’t concern him.

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Left all but clothes.  Rental furnished.

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Life’s work lost.  Chance for enlightenment.

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He didn’t mean it.  Life sentence.

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Abstinence education.  They both skipped class.

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p.s. several commenters have said Luke’s site has gotten infected with malware.  Agh.  Hopefully he’ll be able to get that fixed soon.   

Será – (From Nanowrimo, maybe) Doll/Dreamcatcher

November 26, 2012

Doll by Emma Whitlock, photo by Margaret Bednar

Será

“You know, like ‘que será será,’” he said, when she asked.

“Remember,” he went on,“when Doris Day, she sing it in that beautiful dress, yoohoo.”  Then, wiping beige (foundation) from his own tan fingers,  he turned over a hand-mirror on the countertop.  The back showed a picture of her–Doris Day, decolletée in a red satin as deep as his lipstick.

It was the style he too had adopted, Clare realized, with bleached puffed bangs,  elasticized sleeves he pulled below the pudge of sallow shoulder-

“You know her?”

In fact she’d seen Doris Day lots–afternoon old movies, TV nights late–Doris Day with the smile like milk, Doris Day with the voice like picnic tables, Doris Day with the little doll legs like Keds.

“She so cool, so fresh,” he laughed from his side of the blusher, “She don’t even have to try.  Like you, mamita” he looked at her in the big mirror now, the one in front of them, brushing one honeyed fingernail gently down her cheek.  “Ay que linda.”

She flinched, not used to being touched. And also, because, her cheeks were absolutely not, no way, horrible-to-even-contemplate, like Doris Day’s–

“Not the cheeks, no, mamita–” he laughed, understanding–

“No, no.  Her cheeks,” he looked at his picture, “they are rotund- eh – like the most beautiful bottom in the world.  No, this,” he stared back at Clare in the big mirror, gesturing towards her mouth as if it were something he presented, something on display.  “Those lips , see,” tracing the bottom curve, “that pout they love so much, mami.”  Her lips felt the warm whorl of his fingers; her nose. the fragrance of talc.

”They constantly want me to bite them,” she said suddenly.   “You know, to make them puffier or something.”

“No, no, Mamita, no biting.  Just a little sheen, here.”  And now his soft frame blocked the mirror, his index finger icy with goo.

“A little tinto.”  A baby finger this time, as he bent so closely to her that she could see the individual pores of his black eyebrows beneath the bleached bangs, the curled lashes around his even blacker eyes.

After a space of brush and fingertips, he stood back and she saw what she knew must be herself, only it was now sculpted, cheekboned, svelte.

“Looking good, mami.  Looking so good.  Grrr.”

She wanted to laugh too, but sucked it in like the cheek-hollows, pivoted her face back and forth while he, humming, unpinned the plastic cloak.

Será.   “Looking good,” he always said when she came in for a shoot, even when she knew she didn’t.  Even when he added “ooh but tired, mami,” one finger gentle below her eyes.   “What you doing so tired?  A little girl like you, eh?”

Then, he was gone.  For some time.  And she noticed, sure, but she didn’t actually do that many shoots, and nobody talked to anybody around those places, and so so she didn’t think too much about it, until he was back, only so different this time, round cheeks worn to bone, tan dulled grey.

She could not somehow ask why.  He did not say/ Only “hey you,” and “looking good,” and, after he started with the make-up, “look here, mommy,” holding up one hand for her to turn towards, until just once, when her tooth caught lipstick and he reached our his bare forefinger to wipe it off, to reach right into her mouth–

And then he stopped sharply, sighed, looked her straight in the mirror’s eye, and like a sunken magician who’d lost both handkerchief and dove, extended a small box of kleenex.   “Here, mami, you wipe it, eh?  Okay?”

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This is sort of a draft excerpt from Nanowrimo novel I’ve been working on (in a terribly desultory fashion) – sorry, it’s so long.  I am posting it with one of the wonderful doll pictures posted by Margaret Bednar on With Real Toads.  The particular doll was made by Emma Whitlock.  Thank you Emma!  Thank you Margaret!  

I should note (as I wrote to Brian Miller), this is just a little sketch from the manuscript that I thought fit the doll.  It is not central to the story truly.  (Sorry!)  The book, if I ever get it together, is called Outsider Art. 

P.S. since posting I inserted “mami” in place of “mommy.”  It’s pronounced like mommy (when I hear it) and I wanted to keep that sound, but it’s usually used by an adult to a child as a term of endearment.  k. 

 

 

From Indigo, Aqua.

August 7, 2012

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I’m taking a chance today, posting an excerpt from an old (and, at this point, very page-scattered) manuscript of a novel called INDIGO, about a couple traveling in India.  I thought of this after taking the above photo–yes, I know it’s  not aqua – because the manuscript includes several short segments that bounce around shades of  blue.  A few caveats – the manuscript is entirely fictional – in fact the voice below is even supposed to be a man’s; secondly – warning–there is some “adult” content.  

I am linking this to the wonderful dVerse Poets Pub Open Link night.  Thanks so much for you indulgence; sorry sorry sorry for the length.   

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From Indigo -“Aqua”

Aqua–the color of water at my childhood pool, chlorine a somehow trap for sparkle.

As a boy, that blue crystallized all that summer should be, though now I think it was the lamps I loved the most–the pool open till 9–those underwater headlights set into asphalt walls.

In the sunset nights of early summer, their glimmer barely showed, but as the long days waned (though summer itself grew hotter and we stayed late), the lights turned brilliant, each disk radiating the white-embered halo of a magic cave or chest, or, as I liked best to imagine, a sunken porthole, which I, a creature of the true sea (some great mermoth), both battled and defended.

In India, this aqua–a kind of turquoise, truly–can be found in the North, set into Himlayan silver–though, to me, it will always be more of a Native American blue, house paint in New Mexican desert.

I keep wondering what would have happened if I’d gone South instead of East; if I’d taken to shooting those geologically raw mountains of Guatemala or Peru; that macho of green. 

But I came instead to these worn plains, crowded steps, thronged cities; came and came again.

Men hold hands in Delhi, Bombay, of course, here too in Varanasi, arms on necks, a caressing slide around the shoulders.

I’d like to think of aqua as the color of Helen’s throat, too light for Shiva’s. He inhales all the poison in the world, refuses to swallow, turns blue with not breathing.  It makes sense that his blue, so troubled, is darker than aquamarine.

Though she’s not breathing now either. I can feel the caught swell in her throat, the pulse and not-pulse. .

She won’t acknowledge it, of course. Neither of us wants to talk of any of this just yet, still thinking there’s a chance it will go away if we can just avoid mentioning it.

But the unmentionable nags, my mind picturing Tim’s hands between my legs, coupling my balls, a tremor of blue deeper than aquamarine, dyes that swirl in water.  When we meet him in the street, I ache even for the dark bristle of hair on the backs of his hands.

She wants me to just say no, as my entire chest tries to promise, while some other part of me–some careening crazy piece–silently begs him  to refuse any no that I might muster, begs him to make happen what I cannot begin, to turn my life into the dazzle of light on water, floating, irrefutable.

How clear that pool grew as night fell; how I wrapped my arms about the reverse shadows of those lights; how I lingered over them, submerged until I gasped, away from the humid darkness, guarding, loving,ide—I can’t explain it–she doesn’t want me to explain it.  While he already understands.

I feel like I am both dying and being born at once, that despair, that exhilaration, fear.

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Friday Flash 55 Back To the Days Before GPS

February 17, 2012

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The map was a book. I drove; she navigated, piecing together freeway from one page to the next.

“Should take ya about 35 minutes,” the gas station guy had said.

After two hours, 70 mph, still within LA city limits–“that guy sure has a weird idea of 35 minutes,” I groaned.

“Oops,” she said.

(The above is my offering to the G-Man, Mr. Know-it-all! Have a wonderful weekend, and please please please check out my comic novel NOSE DIVE in paper and on Kindle–for only 99 cents! A great read if you like escape and aren’t completely thrilled with the way you look!)

Unmeetable Deadline? Last Gasp.

February 3, 2012

Trying to work on new novel tonight!  Rather trying to work on completing the revisions of an old novel.  (Ho-hum.)

It is a new novel compared to the finished one (NOSE DIVE), which I urge urge urge you all to check out!

But it is an old novel in terms of feeling, at times, like a very long haul.

Finishing–i.e. truly finishing–a novel is a lot of work.  That is, getting all the “i” dots, t-crossings, plot twists, right–is a lot of work.  Cutting out a bunch of that work–extra verbiage, descriptions, scenes, dialogue, even whole characters–that weigh down the plot–is even more difficult.

This novel will not be truly finished in time for my deadline (which is sometimes towards the end of this weekend.)

Trying to meet this deadline has haunted my last few weeks, though, in truth, I’ve only really focused on it during certain late-nite, early-morning jam sessions.

Even so, the deadline sticks in the craw.  The problem is that I’m a “last gasp” sort of person, meaning that I usually don’t quite give up until absolute hopelessness sets in.

And this, unfortunately, means that it is likely to be a stressful weekend.  (Unless, I just decide on hopelessness right now.  Ah, there’s an idea!)

The novel, by the way, is called “An I For An Eye.”  It’s a young adult fantasy.  (Yes, I know.  Crazy!)

Noveling – Can’t Pull It Out Of A Hat At the End of the Day

January 30, 2012

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I’ve been trying, trying, trying, to revise a novel over the last several days.  The problems have been (i) that the novel needs major restructuring – i.e. cuts;  (ii) that the novel needs major restructuring – i.e. flashbacks; and (iii) that the novel needs major restructuring – i.e. a different author.

Even several nights up till 2 a.m. have not done the trick.

I have made progress–i.e. I’ve cut a few whole pages and lots and lots of dangling modifiers.

But my hope that I can get a reasonable version done before the end of this week–a deadline for a contest submission–is definitely waning.

The whole thing brings up the extremely unpleasant understanding that I really can’t pull everything out of the hat at the end of the day.  The impossible is, sometimes, in fact, impossible. i.e. ugh.

Question of the hour:  is it still worth trying?

Answer of the hour:  probably not tonight.

 

 

(P.S. In the meantime, I have a short, quick, funny novel out called NOSE DIVE.  It’s only 99 cents on Kindle–a bit more in paperback.  Check it out!)