ManicDDaily

A few years ago, a new age category came into common parlance – “tweens” – kids phasing from childhood to teenagerdom.   I think the category was partly invented as a marketing tool, like a Hallmark card holiday (see e.g. Office Assistant’s Day.)   Tweens seemed to need special merchandise, their own stores, their own books, their own clothes sizes.

I never was conscious of my own children being tweens.  But lately, I’ve been thinking about another transitional age period, which,  for now, I  call “kidulthood.”

Kidulthood extends from age seventeen or eighteen until some time in the mid-twenties.  (Not, let’s hope, beyond that.)

Your children will always be your children.  Even now, my 84 year old mother worries frequently that I get overly tired, and should get that checked out.

Kidults are people whose parents worry that they need a lot of things checked out:  like their teeth or their tickbites, their summer job prospects, or the status of their college applications.

My mother and I differ from kidults and their parents in that the question of who will actually get all these things checked, and who will do the nagging about the checking, has been settled a long time ago.

Kidults and their parents have not quite resolved these issues.  (Well, the nagging part is pretty much settled—that falls on the parent.)

Probably the first experience parents have of kidulthood is the college application process.  Some (possibly mythical) kids take care of the whole college application process completely on their own.   Some (certainly mythical) kids even do all their own financial aid applications.

But some kids need, well, encouragement.

The issues between kidults and their folks usually become somewhat easier once college has been entered, but they can linger.  In fact, once a kid has been more autonomous (or at least been away from home for long periods), and has independently arranged some doctor’s appointments (at least those required for the Pill), the parent can find themselves getting really frustrated.   Because at this point, the kidult oresents the parent’s intervention; while the parent resents the kidult’s passivity, certain that if they don’t do something parental (at least nag), then other doctor’s appointments (e.g. the ones for that strange mole or that tooth that’s gone awry) just won’t get made.

And what about health insurance?

And the lube job on the car?

And that jury notice?   And tax returns?

Even the most responsible kidult usually doesn’t find this kind of thing nearly important as most parents.

Yes, kids have to learn to act on their own.  And most seem to eventually.  But sometimes kidults, just like older adults, can use a little help.  Concrete help, i.e. not nagging.

The simple act of offering to keep a kidult company while important actions are taken can be very useful.  (Often the offer alone will trigger the kid do the thing themselves just so you don’t keep them company, but sometimes they do appreciate it moral support.)

Offering to help out with pertinent phone calls can also be a way of getting unattractive tasks done.  (Strangely, a lot of modern kidults seem a bit stymied by dealing with bureaucracy over the phone.  Until doctors make appointments by email, this can be a bit of a handicap.)

But it’s important, parent, to always doublecheck how much the kidult really needs your help, and how much of the perceived need is simply the result of you insisting your child do things your way.

You need to be aware too of how much you simply miss your kid in that new adult.

For me, the most effective guard against over-intervention has been my own aging processs, i.e. early senility.  (See e.g. previous posts re Robert Pattinson.)  I’m someone who could easily get caught in oversolicitous parenting.  Fortunately, for my kids, however, I have enough trouble keeping track of my own life these days.

If you have younger kids or even kidults (who like watercolors and elephants), check out my counting book 1 Mississippi at link above or on Amazon.