Posted tagged ‘Imperfect Prose’

Doorbell Rings Some Time Very Late

June 7, 2012

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Doorbell Rings Some Time Very Late 

Fear upstarts–
quake awake shaking, bleared night silent

but for bell that should not be ringing,
dark but for lights that I’ve fallen 

asleep on, torn jagged– “Who’s there?”
my voice 
ragged
this side of door, which, shit, is not locked–
Fear tumble-rs through brain
paralyzed against making noticeable click

addresses

chain, a pretense
of metal, that shaking fingers slip

silently into slot.

I call back “No,”
taking hold now of true

lock as eye scope

smudges blurred guy blanking to greenish hall–

A mistake, all 
safe, still shaking–no,
there’s stillness
on skin itself,  the quiver
inner, as twist

in  chest/plexus

refuses to let go of 
fisted alarm, armed

against beating flow

of all other tisssued self,

scared stalwart.

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I’m back from brief blog break!  Not exactly rested – especially after being woken up in the middle of the night last night –but really missing my blogging buddies (especially all those great guys at dVerse.)  One lingering problem is, of course, that I’m not a poet!  If I am any kind of writer at all, it is of novels, but the kindness of the online poetry community is really hard to beat, and that kindess tends to inspire poetry even in prosaic types.

All that said, I am linking the above to Emily Wierenga’s Imperfect Prose.  Emily, another kind soul, has posted a poem of mine, “Thin Birthday,” on her other blog, Chasing Silhouettes, with a wonderful painting (by Emily.)  Check it out!

“Leaving” – Clarian Sonnet

May 3, 2012

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Leaving

When I left home to have my second child,
the first (latched to my legs) turned woeful, wild,
“don’t go, she cried, her “mommies” torn with “please,”
while I, as tearful, tugged her from my knees,
then picked her up to briefly wedge my heart
above the labor’s crazy stop and start.
I loved that age, that strength, but love won’t bind
much of anything that has to do with time.
So now when I hear words like “please don’t go”
I don’t return to births from long ago,
but to the bedsides dim of friends and more
where fearful like an only child, voice torn,
I pleaded with them please to please stay on,
even after every piece of them was gone.

***********************************

The above is a “Clarian Sonnet,” named after poet John Clare (1793-1864) posted for the dVerse Poets “Form For All” Challenge, and hosted by Samuel Peralta who blogs as Semaphore.  It is a sonnet based upon seven rhyming couplets.  (Quick editorial note –  the second child was born healthy and wonderful and the first and second are now very very close.)

I am also linking this to Imperfect Prose, where Emily Wierenga blogs about motherhood and other difficult/wondrous experiences.

Feeling very human in Downtown NYC

November 2, 2011

I’m trying trying trying to work on Nanowrimo, but instead I wrote a new, kind of random piece, for a site hosting an event called Imperfect Prose.  This prose poem is very imperfect, but came to me walking home through downtown NYC.

Feeling Human in Downtown NYC

I am thinking, as I walk past Ground Zero–I am not thinking, as I walk,
of Ground Zero, but I am thinking as I walk past, the tall wire fence
on one side, the red neon storefront on the other, of what keeps us human–what
capacities–and my mind, not thinking in the least bit about Ground Zero until
now when I see myself in my mind’s eye
walking there, the sidewalk dark as a night that is not blue
as this night is, this night sheeting Church Street, the lights of the scaffolding–

I am thinking that it has to do with pain–first, the inability to remember
pain.  By this, I mean to recreate pain, to physically call it back,
to make one’s self feel again a pain
not currently manifest–

And I think, as I walk past Ground Zero,
of the birth of my second child, of the tan scuffed front seat
beneath my grip–I was sitting in back–of a car service station wagon
somehow so  different from the midnight-colored seat of the car service sedan
that took me to the birth of my first child, and yet in those moments
that followed each contraction, like the very same ride.
I know this pain, I kept thinking, intimately, astonished with each wrench
that the memory had not imprinted itself like
a difficult scar, to be felt whenever touched, to be felt
when even approached,
and yet, even now, even as I remember so exactly the white slant lines on that
tan seatback that looked as if someone had run a dull knife across it,
I cannot come up with the pain, but only my reactions to it,
the way my upper torso tried to arch from the lower,
the way my mind
scrambled like junked marbles,
the disbelief that pain like that
could ever be part of the natural order of things, the
terror that surrender
might just be meaningless.

And then I think, as I get to a corner–there are stairs on one side
leading up to Brooks Brothers, and on the other Liberty Street
where the old Deutsch Bank building stood, killing two more firemen in its
dismemberment–but I don’t think of them, the weight of machinery smashing
through broken, mismanaged, floors, nor even do I think of how, just across the way,
shadows may still hover, escaping flame–

I think of the ability to imagine pain–how this same body
that cannot recreate its own torment–how it will, if
fully human, cringe or stream with tears
at the sight of a blow, at the muted thud of kick, the
torn cry, the fall, the hew, bang, loss–there
was a man flat on the floor of Grand Central yesterday, feet too neatly
askew, with blood blooming on his forehead like a flag, the soldiers–we have
those now–and police stilled beside him in a watchful pentagon.

I had to be careful then at West Street, as I walked and thought, because it’s hard
in this part of the City, the scale aggrandized, not to be hit by
a car,
how the inability to remember pain allows us to
go on, while the second–the ability to imagine pain–makes us to stop–
(or stop that which should be stopped)
only I think now, as I write this, of all those spirits in the air, and
the blossom of the fire balls, the reeling cry of the street, the blurs of smoke
and dust and all those wisps of photos (the
missing, not to be found)
and my heart finds suddenly that it does remember pain,
and that it can feel that remembered pain,
again and again and again,
even though I cannot think of anything I personally
truly
lost upon that day, anything that I could call
my own.

 

 

in the hush of the moon

My Afghani (in Goa)

July 31, 2010

My Afghani's Nose

Last week I wrote variously about warmth, watermelon, Proust, Afghanistan.  With all that floating about, I thought today about my own experiences of Afghanistan.

They are extremely limited.  Haven’t even been there.  I only came close once, in the early 80s, on a bus that had an overland route from Delhi to London (the “Magic Bus”).  I got on in Istanbul, and was seriously tempted to head East.  But, aside from the fact that I had already overstayed my trip, there was a Brit continuing on from the Delhi/Pakistan/Afghan side who warned strenuously against it.  He was a tousled (and tired) young lad who, after getting very drunk in London after breaking up with his girlfriend, woke on a plane to Bombay.   With no return plane ticket, he’d ended up on the bus home, which, he shuddered, had gotten through Afghanistan only by chance.  Theyhad been pulled over—by Freedom Fighters?  The Taliban?–somehow he’d managed to hide the fact that he was British and get through.

I got on the bus for London, but my interest/passion for Asia was further inflamed.  Turkey had ignited it.   Some people just love the exotic, I suppose, and patterns –that wonderful conglomeration of patterns that I always associate with Central Asia had already captivated me – the layers of geometry – rugs, mosaics, scarfs, tunics, pants, arches.

Soon after, I was able to go to India myself.  And all those things I’d thought to find fascinating were, in fact, fascinating.  Also overwhelming.  A few months into my stay, I took a break in Goa.

Goa, back then, was not India.  Yes, it was legally part of the country, but well–women greeted my boat at dawn with gathered skirts and baskets of freshly-baked yeasted bread.   They even had sausages!  Sausages!  It was mindblowing (and I don’t even eat meat!)

The beachtowns were largely taken over by Westerners, if I can include Australians and Israelis in that category.  Sun-beached, sun-tanned people that seemed like stragglers from Haight-Ashbury, refugees from the 60s. Everybody was beautiful, welcoming, (at the beach) nude.

I soon discovered one important difference from Goa of the 80s and my sense of the hippified 60’s.  There was lots and lots of of heroin.  People, stupid people, had the idea that it would not be addictive if smoked, so they were constantly rolling it up into tobacco.

I’ve never been very interested in drugs, any drugs.   I suppose I was just too (a) unconsciously maternal (had to preserve the good old bod); and (b) concerned about my own inherent manic-d-daily tendencies, to want to take anything that could hurt me, or induce feelings I couldn’t just stop.   So trying to  steer clear of the drug scene, I quickly took a room outside of town, and focused on yoga.

Easier said than done.  My room turned out to be in a house, that yes, had a very nice Goan family in one half, but also had a group of young Himalayans in the back (they sold Hashish); a very helpful older British man in the front (he turned out to be financing his trip by being a mule), and, in the house next store, a group of Afghanis.  They were apparently the center of the heroin trade.

My Afghani was not one of the guys next door; he lived, he always told me, at the edge of the beach.  He was wonderful– tall, broad-shouldered, handsome in a non-movie star, real person kind of way, with a slightly hawkish nose, very thoughtful eyes, a sweet smile.  He was quite pale – well, pink–you couldn’t completely escape the sun in Goa even if you only came out late afternoons.

I met him in the late afternoons at a little straw hut that served tea and fruit (watermelon!) and little omeletty things.

He, like all the Afghanis, always kept his clothes on – those long tunic-like shirts that have a western style collar and sleeves but drape almost to the knees over billowing pants, always pastels.  I too always had my clothes on in that little hut.

Usually, we’d just sit and talk about literature and look at the sun setting over the Indian Ocean.  He loved Jack London.   “The Call of the Wild,” he’d smile, shaking his head.  The sun went down incredibly quickly when it got to the lip of the horizon, so slow so low so slow, and then, blip, disappearing in less than a glance.

He said he’d been a chemist in Afghanistan, but had to leave because of the war.  (This one with the Russians.)   He seemed to have fought, to have been particularly targeted, to have to leave.

He laughed a lot, gently.  Sometimes we watched a bunch of Germans, in the distance, who did nude calisthenics in the evening cool.  They were red, some wiry, some not–luckily a bit too far to see clearly.

It was an odd scene, Goa.

Because my Afghani did not live with the rest of the Afghanis, I never connected him with the heroin trade, but, now it’s difficult to imagine how or why he could have been there if he was not part of it.

My housemate, the drug mule, was furious with the Afghanis by the end of his stay, complaining how they followed people out to the beaches.  These were always people who were making a point of trying to quit heroin; who were avoiding the towns, the late night cafes, but, my housemate fumed, the dealers themselves would track them.

I used to think, as my housemate raged, that if these friends of his really wanted to quit, they should probably not stay in Goa.  But they didn’t seem able to leave.

 

 

 

 

This is reposted for Imperfect Prose.

in the hush of the moon