Posted tagged ‘Gratitude’

Feeling Loss in Bright Green of Early July – Giotto Blue

July 2, 2010

Giotto Blue

I am right now in a beautiful country place.  My eyes are bathed in a bright light green.  I’m even wearing a light green sweater so I am literally surrounded by the color.

Though I’m also sitting beneath bright blue—not sky, but a screened-in porch, which I like to think of as a Giotto blue.  The paint does not shimmer like the green (or true Giotto blue, for that matter) but it’s still quite lovely.

All this loveliness.  It’s an odd time to think about death, but it’s amazing to me how the thought crops up.  “Crops” seems an anachronistic term till I think suddenly of the “Grim Reaper,” and then it all makes sense.  The fact is that just about anything that grows, dies.  (See how I manage to hedge that—“just about anything.”  How about “anything” plain and simple?)

Now you see it, now you don’t.

I’m not quite sure why I am thinking about this on a 4th of July weekend.  Maybe it’s because when you return to a place that you have long returned to, especially a country place, where you see people you have long seen, but only periodically—you become very conscious of time’s passage.

So here I am in all this bright green, nearly the same bright green as in every single July I’ve spent in the last twenty to thirty years, but the people walking around the green are, well—balder, shakier, heavier, thinner, frailer, greyer, and, in the case of those who were very young in past years, perhaps even more beautiful, and also now able to cook.

Not quite so many day lilies by the garage, more down by the pond.

In my manicddaily way, I focus intensely on these kinds of changes, and can get very sad about them.  Manicddaily kinds of people tend to be extremely good at calling up past losses and imagining prospective ones.   I can become quite mournful even in the midst of what should be joyful moments at the absolute inevitability of loss, disappearance, death.

Some say that the best response to these types of feelings is “to be more in the moment”.  I’m not so sure.  For me, that poignant sense of loss is part of the moment (even if just the moment as experienced by my head or hormones.)

Okay, so maybe a better answer is to be more in the physical moment;  to focus on the coolness of the breeze against your skin, the green before your eyes, the gently warm sun lighting parts of both that green and skin.

But, sometimes the understanding of loss is part of  your physical experience of the moment as well as your mental experience, part of your very chemistry.

For me, one effective (though perhaps obvious) way to deal with this chemistry of loss is to try to summon up some kind of appreciation.  Gratitude  Even just relief.  Any one of these can work as a neutralizer, a base to the acid.

After all, I’m still right here, thinking these things through.  (Hurrah!)   And that mix of green and sun and breeze and Giotto blue is really quite wonderful, and also amazingly enduring.  At least, for now.

Reasons To Live in Downtown Manhattan Post-9/11

September 10, 2009

With 9/11 literally around the corner (I live a couple of blocks from Ground Zero), the perennial question once again arises in my mind.  Why do I live in downtown Manhattan, (very) downtown Manhattan,  post 9/11?  Why would anyone want to live here post 9/11?

Here are some reasons

1.  Fitness.  You get a lot of exercise.  There are a couple of Hudson River parks where, on a nice day, every spare inch is devoted to sport, i.e. soccer, lacrosse, ultimate frisbee, baseball, football, rugby, cricket, and the shielding of one’s self and one’s offspring from stray soccerballs, lacrosse wickets, baseballs, cricketballs, frisbees,  and runners unable to stop their strides.

There’s also the esplanade by the river where you can jog, rollerblade, skateboard, ride your bike, or walk (with a careful eye out for joggers, skateboarders, the wiggly spandex fannies of backwards rollerbladers, and bikers who seem to think the esplanade,  a slightly wider than average New York City sidewalk,  is the perfect place to race).

Besides all that, the nearest subway stops are all several blocks and stairways away.  So you can get considerable exercise just getting to your train.

2.  Safety.  Putting aside terrorism, downtown seems extremely safe.  For one thing, there’s hardly anyone here at night.  (There are no good restaurants.   Another health benefit by the way–home cooking!)

The wind of the ocean also makes it too cold much of the year for muggers to lurk.  (See Reason No. 3 about proximity to nature.)

Nor is there any place for criminals to park their getaway cars.  And forget about running to the subway.

Besides all that, there’s a whole host of pedestrian walkways, meaning that residents of downtown can walk around texting without fear of causing a car crash.  (A great safety feature in modern America.)

3.  Proximity to Nature.  The rivers, the harbor, are right here.  And they are beautiful.   Every season, every hour of the day.

Then there’s that wonderful sea breeze, errr… wind, which in the fall, winter, spring, you can feel from the tips of your toes right into the marrow of your bones.

Every winter, there are a few days of actual ice floes.  (Not only in your toilet.)

Being so close to the river also brings a measure of safety.  I mean, if there were another act of terrorism, which you can’t help thinking about it when you walk past Ground Zero twice a day, you could always dash out to the Hudson, right?  Steal a boat?  Hitch a ride with the Coast Guard as they zoom into the Marina to go to the Starbucks in the Financial Center?

Swim?

Maybe better keep your Starbucks card handy for barter purposes.

4.  Smugness.  Yes, it is incredibly annoying to have to scoot through the crowds at Ground Zero every day.  (I really do prefer to call it the World Trade Center.)   Yes, you do want to shake some of the ones who pose coyly.  Yes, every time you see the hawkers’ pamphlets opened to photographs of the fireball of the second plane hitting the second tower, you really do feel sick.

Still, the whole passageway does give you a daily opportunity to feel a fair amount of unmitigated (except by nausea and rage) smugness.

5.  Pride.  All New Yorkers have the stubborn pride of the survivor.  They had this long before 9/11;  New Yorkers who have moved here since 9/11  probably have it as well.    It has something to do with the general grittiness of New York City  (probably too,  the particular grittiness of the New York subway system.)

I did not live down here on 9/11.   I did live in downtown Manhattan (but about thirty blocks from the World Trade Center rather than a couple.)   And I did run down here on that day to look for a daughter who was in school a couple blocks from the towers.

Even so, I have not earned the full extent of grim pride of the people in my building who lived here then.

I do understand it though.  And we, who did not live quite as close, but close enough, who smelled the smells, and breathed the dust, and watched the smoke, have some small share of it.

I would not call this pride a reason to live down here.   But there is some benefit of being near a place that reminds me, when I am obsessively worrying, whining, frustrated, that there was a day in which I swore, if I found my daughter safe, I’d never complain about anything again, that my lifetime watchword would be gratitude.

6.  Low Rent.  Compared to much of the rest of Manhattan at least.   For some reason.