everything becoming something else (late fall)
everything becoming something else (late fall)
all day the crows carry on
over the carrion
the black flags
of their rise/descent
flagging iridescent the gone
and soon to be gone
till bones picked to stone
stick
in the field’s craw
the pick of what crawls
marrow turning to field
tomorrow scrawled by frost
the crows’ raw caws carry on raucous
somewhere else
we stamp our feet
against the fresh shiver delighted
cold
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I’ve been working very hard and had no time to write but here’s something that went bump in the night.
I am someone who ALWAYS uses punctuation and I have no sense of how to use enjambment without it, but this poem seemed to me to have more possibilities without punctuation–on the other hand, it may be difficult to follow. So, for those, like me, who like punctuation, I’ve included another version.
I am posting this for the open link nights of dverse poets pub and With Real Toads.
***********************************************************
Everything Becoming Something Else (late fall)
All day the crows carry on
over the carrion,
the black flags
of their rise/descent
flagging iridescent the gone
and soon to be gone
till bones picked to stone stick
in the field’s craw, the pick
of what crawls,
marrow turning to field.
Tomorrow, scrawled by frost,
the crows’ raw caws carry on raucous
somewhere else;
we stamp our feet
against the fresh shiver, delighted
cold.
*************************************
I’m not actually sure about the punctuation of that “tomorrow” line–.
Ps — I know picture not quite right but have not had much time. Thanks
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ManicDDaily 
November 12, 2013 at 10:15 am
Oh! I love November poetry.
November 12, 2013 at 10:21 am
Ha. Thank you, Susan. k.
On Tue, Nov 12, 2013 at 10:15 AM, ManicDDaily
November 12, 2013 at 10:28 am
I like it both ways, but I think the force of the words is more apparent in the first–not a polite or mannered treatment of subject, though the ideas are a bit more separated and digestible in the second–still, either way, a cunning, basic, rather black and white-lit snap of fall and what it means. Glad you found time to write it, k.
November 12, 2013 at 12:50 pm
i like both versions…second slightly more but i think it’s cool to play around a bit and i always find it amazing what a comma or not or line break or not can do to a poem…nice
November 12, 2013 at 1:01 pm
wish i’d written this: “crows’ raw caws carry on raucous”
yowza!
November 12, 2013 at 1:44 pm
I found it easier to read the second, with punctuation, just because my brain needs all the help it can get these days. A wonderful write, and the raw and raucous caws line is just stellar!
November 12, 2013 at 2:18 pm
I’m an e.e. cummings fan, so I prefer the version at the top. I really like this. Brava.
November 12, 2013 at 2:39 pm
you may have noticed that I often eschew punctuation, so I prefer the former – the sound aloud can be played with, altered, run over tongue like fine rum.
November 12, 2013 at 4:42 pm
November poetry are soo much stronger than any sweet summer poetry. The melancholy the darkness… it brings out the best images. I’m moving back and forth on punctuation, I think both versions worked very well.
November 12, 2013 at 4:49 pm
I love your “bumps in the night”. I love autumn poetry, it’s full of feeling.
Greetings from London.
November 12, 2013 at 6:33 pm
actually i rather like the first one as well….the crows, the symbolism in them of what so heavily rings during this time of year….i go back and forth on punctuation as well…
November 12, 2013 at 7:28 pm
Love the crow sounds in this.
November 12, 2013 at 7:57 pm
I enjoyed both versions thank you for sharing them..I am not sure which I like more as I have mixed feelings on punctuation but, I
did feel the message of the poem as November rolls in on dark wings.
November 12, 2013 at 8:28 pm
I am more of a punctuation person, bit I think this works both ways. With no punctuation, I auto-pause anyways at the end of a line, so it mostly works (except next to last line, I do like that comma between shiver and delighted to clarify the thought. I like the content of the poem too. Shivering in the cold here in my neck of the woods tonight, not exactly wit delight either!
November 12, 2013 at 8:30 pm
Ooops! That woud be *with*!
November 12, 2013 at 8:53 pm
Both were grand in your land, but #2 slightly wins for me, as the season is set free
November 13, 2013 at 7:17 am
The revision is tighter – more knuckles in the poem’s delivery. Thanks for showing that craft counts. Not sure how long it took to get to, “marrow turning to field,” but for me that was the poem’s epicenter.
November 13, 2013 at 2:48 pm
I’m with Brendan, marrow turning to field is a fabulous line.
November 14, 2013 at 8:52 pm
I’ll be brief, there’s a wonderful sense of integrity in this piece, a scurrying at a slow pace from the details ! Lovingly Debbie
November 15, 2013 at 7:49 pm
We’ve been watching ravens and magpies eating the apples still on the trees – frozen and probably very fermented in the sun! This is a very cool November set.