Post-Eden (II)



Why are some skins so scarred by sin, original?
Birthright bungled as an abandoned fowl’s
that bustles, bristling, behind anything
with wings or whitewash; wavering between
a cross of chicken scratch, chested waddle,
and that batter of bleach and burn that just might
unsully the soul, sanitize, or at least, cover
the cicatriced core of the cast out. Instead
its feathers fletch in-flinted barbs because
from naught to now, they are not right–
not feathers, not fleece, not feelings– because
from when to whenever, they are wrong; because
some species, some space, of paradise,
was once their own, and they its one and only; because
the rind of them remembers; really, it does.

Hmmm… Here’s a draft poem of sorts for dVerse Poets Pub’s Form For All, hosted by Tony Maude, about alliterative accents – something like that. Tony’s written a very interesting article about Anglo-Saxon poetry.  Check it out.   I do not think I’ve followed the format of four accents per line (three alliiterative), but I have tr-tr-tr-tried.  (I have also edited since first posting.)

I call it Post-Eden (II) because I have another Post-Eden poem that can be found here.

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18 Comments on “Post-Eden (II)”

  1. claudia Says:

    they are not right–
    not feathers, not fleece, not feelings….esp. from here on really gripped me… that feeling of not being right, not belonging, not deserving to be.. it can kill you…and i really know what i’m talking about… a deep write k.

  2. hedgewitch Says:

    It would be foolish to say I get this poem from only one reading, but it’s so jammed with images and languages that my late-night brain is both intoxicated(and as usually follows) a bit wobbley-legged walking through it thinking it knows something. I feel the darkness that comes with being cast out, the bitterness and acting out it brings expressed well in that rather ruthlessly narrow aggression of fowl, particularly towards each other, and a sort of shambling collage of personal parallels that make me want to memorize this for repeating to myself when I need its insight. The language in this seems both classically formal–maybe that’s the stressed alliteration thing– and totally yours, and the title evokes that state we all are in–thrown into a world fallen from paradise for reasons our bird brains can’t conceive. Fine writing, k.–especially for a ‘draft poem of sorts….’ ;_)

    • ManicDdaily Says:

      Thanks– I call almost anything a draft that is hot off the press especially when I am changing it even as I post. Makes me think that it may still, in the light of another day, be revised. The fowl I was getting at was the imprinted baby that follows the wrong parent but I took out the imprinting lines–I’m not sure they conveyed that idea anyway and I wanted to shorten and get to meat of it. One never knows with cuts but generally I think I go on too long so cuts are probably good, thanks.

    • ManicDdaily Says:

      Hi – I now changed “bastard” fowl to abandoned fowl, as maybe that hints more towards confused lost duck or chick – as I meant a little more sympathy, and I guess all fowl are bastards – though I suppose there’s usually only one rooster around. Ha. k.

      • hedgewitch Says:

        Ha! Well, we’ve kept chickens and ducks, and I can’t say I have a lot of empathy for them–they are of course only genetically programed little things, but can be terribly cruel. I like the idea of imprinting, but I agree it could be an added confusion in a complex piece like this, also that cuts are hard, but usually good–and you are much braver than I with your drafts–mine sit in my folder for months getting two word or two line tweaks before I finally slap them up, after ten more rewrites. ;_) Writing spontaneously at this level is a true gift, K., however the poem evolves from here.

        And re: the two blankets–I hate you. Have a nice day. 😛

      • ManicDdaily Says:

        Ha. Our garden is very behind though– the bad side of the cool– very late and short season sometimes.

      • hedgewitch Says:

        PS Abandoned works really well, and keeps the alliteration, plus I think the imprinting does come through a bit.

  3. I love the poem it’s a great and important subject… there are some lines that are perfect to the prompt I think

    not feathers, not fleece, not feelings– because
    from when to whenever, they are wrong; because

    It is a great form to experiment with.. and I would love to see the finished poem…

  4. Well relieved to hear that it’s not a sin to admit a draft is a draft posted while writing still in my head. I love participating in prompts but almost always so rough I feel awkward knowing it needs work.
    Anyhow, a very good draft and while I wasn’t always sure what was intended you give enough to appreciate the whole.

  5. brian miller Says:

    love the close…the rind of them remembers another world from before…maybe too the echo of something greater is what inspires us not to leave our world the way it is…really an interesting turn on the allit k

  6. punnypalaver Says:

    complex–lots to ponder here and the sound is great

  7. Tony Maude Says:

    An epic subject for an epic poetry form, Karin. Most, if not all of the lines, obey the bang, bang, bang – crash! rule that is the basis of the accentual alliterative poetry style of the Old English, Old Norse and Icelandic poets.

  8. Metaphysically it is so often how we feel or judge ourself and others. Doctrinally it is not what I agree with for many reasons and, the alliteration is fabulous ! Beautifully weaved ! ALWAYS thinking, praying you’re well dear k. ~Faithfully D

    • ManicDdaily Says:

      Deb, I so appreciate your openness to these poems as i know you have different views. My views change from minute to minute, of course, and a poem reflects only one little slice of time. K.

  9. grapeling Says:

    You deftly weave so much in, and then that closing line packs a punch, K.

  10. Miriam E. Says:

    Karin, this is masterful! Just wow. Great use of form and imagery – I think you totally nailed it.

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