“Cautionary Tale” (Free or Trapped Villanelle?)
Cautionary Tale
“It’s hurting me,” she said in half belief
as her hair caught in his passing shirt cuff’s play.
He offered nothing else for her relief
except untangling fingers, smooth smile’s teeth
(his eyes flecked with intelligence and grey).
“It’s hurting me,” she said in half belief
about a life that had grown spare, deplete,
(and cast him as the knight to save the day.)
He offered nothing else if not relief–
opened doors ahead, used credit like a thief.
As he refused her pretended tries to pay,
“it’s hurting me,” she said in half belief,
(but smiled inside at all that seemed in reach;)
her greater youth would certainly hold sway;
she offered nothing else for his relief.
Game over when he pinned her underneath.
His weight, his age, his wealth, would have their way.
“It’s hurting me,” she said in half belief.
(He offered nothing else for her relief.)
************************************
The above is posted for dVerse Poets’ Pub’s “form for all” challenge from Samuel Peralta (a/k/a Semaphore) to write a “free verse poem” in a formal verse form. Yes, yes, it’s a villanelle. Yes, mainly what I’ve done is mix up the spacing a bit. But maybe, perhaps, because it’s a bit of a morality tale, it’s just possible that the repeated lines read a bit more freely and ironically than in a standard villanelle? Or, are they too caught/entrapped?
(Agh.)
Explore posts in the same categories: poetry, villanelleTags: "caught" villanelle, broken heart, cautionary tale, dVerse Poets Pub Form for all, free form villanelle?, manicddaily
You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.
ManicDDaily 
May 31, 2012 at 11:48 pm
I’ve had no luck at all with this prompt, so kudos to you for making something of it. It reads pretty much like a villanelle to me, but one that’s been freed up considerably by change-arounds in the repetition. And the meter sort of spaces out at times…but whatever, it’s a twisty and perceptive piece, and successful I think. I like it, anyway. ;_)
June 1, 2012 at 5:45 am
Yes- it reads like a villanelle to me too! (Thanks!)
June 1, 2012 at 12:18 am
I think it’s a fantastic adaptation. Well done, and very well received.
June 1, 2012 at 12:40 am
WooHoo! Loved this – from the idea through the process to the creation – it’s all here to see and it’s no mean feat to pull this off. It feels liberated, about getting trapped, a villanelle that sounds like vers libre with rhyme, rhythm (I nearly wrote thyme) and form so sweet!
June 1, 2012 at 3:33 am
I hate trying to write Villanelles, but love reading them – nevertheless, I do think they can stand a lot of mixing up! Yours has come out of it very well indeed, so congrats, it couldn’t have been easy. VERY impressive indeed!
June 1, 2012 at 4:55 am
i felt pain in this…her feeling of being trapped and esp in that last stanza it made me so sad for her and fearful quite honest…ugh…nicely done on the swirl to the form…i have never written a vilanelle personally but i though even with the repetition it flowed really well in continuous thought…
June 1, 2012 at 5:44 am
Thanks, Brian.
June 1, 2012 at 6:19 am
This has a great sound to it, and winds in and out of its soundscape very easily and hauntingly. I know she’s the one who’s trapped, but it sounds so soft and enticing that the knotting entanglement is subtle, though perhaps not less stifling.
June 1, 2012 at 6:30 am
Thanks so much, Charles. k.
June 1, 2012 at 6:24 am
I can’t comment on the form, simply because I know little about form; but I can see it. I really like the story you tell with this one though. Sad, but real.
I’m curious to see what you think of my entry. No form to it, just my typical “free rambling” (I can’t really say it’s verse), but a message of sorts in it.
http://charleslmashburn.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/dreams-like-that/
June 1, 2012 at 10:36 am
Very well depicted of her sadness with refraining line, “It’s hurting me,” she said in half belief. Lovely form though I haven’t tried this one yet, you told a story of their relationship ~
June 1, 2012 at 11:10 am
Oh you did this so well! Love it.
June 1, 2012 at 1:00 pm
oh heck…this feels def. trapped but flows beautifully like a villanelle and the repetition makes it all the more haunting
June 1, 2012 at 7:41 pm
My God. I was anxious from the first stanza, I felt so much pain with the last lines. So sad. So sad; her words didn’t matter to him.
You’re writings express sadness in a realistic way; so human, so fragile, so haunting.
Love,
~Tinkerbell
June 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Thanks so much, Tinkerbell. K.
June 1, 2012 at 10:57 pm
I love this– I think the form works well for you, because the lesson does bear repeating…. Not so articulate tonight, I’m afraid– write on~!xxxj
June 2, 2012 at 1:01 am
Villanelle it is, indeed, but nevertheless… you shot an arrow, missed my (admittedly tough) mark, but it hit the bulls-eye of another target!
I love the way the morality tale creates a tug-of-war of emotion throughout the piece with the various refrains; and I’m even enamoured of the way your parentheses move to encapsulate different phrases – while remaining in the same positional location in each stanza – as if providing a different emphasis in each aside. Bravo!
June 2, 2012 at 10:29 am
Thanks – I confess to adapting an older poem for the exercise. I really am in a very busy situation right now. I am going to try the exercise again when I get a bit more time. k.
June 4, 2012 at 10:55 pm
wow. this is fabulous (and perfectly titled.) brava.