Sometimes (In the Unclair de Lune)

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Sometimes (In the Unclair de Lune)

I would cut,
if I could, that thin
skin within my

eardrums that timpanies
your call; vibrates voice into
promise; gloms meaning,

or what I
would mean, onto your throat’s
notes; devoting my

all to the
carve; then, later, to the
stitching back as

your face grave,
but silently uncomprehending, as even
the moved-close moon

in an ellipsis
skewed my way, shines light
to sew by.

************************************

Still a bit under the weather here, but posting the above draft poem, a would-be Collom Lune, for Samuel Peralta’s prompt on dVerse Poets Pub’s Form For All.  It’s a word count form developed by Jack Collom. (I call it a draft in part because I’ve been switching the last “shines” from “shone” and back again.)  Check out Sam’s very interesting article, and if you have a moment in this new year, check out my books!  

Poetry, GOING ON SOMEWHERE, (by Karin Gustafson, illustrated by Diana Barco). 1 Mississippi -counting book for lovers of rivers, light and pachyderms, or Nose Dive. Nose Dive is available on Kindle for just 99 cents!

 
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34 Comments on “Sometimes (In the Unclair de Lune)”

  1. brian miller Says:

    your throat’s
    notes; devoting …ha i like how that sounds on my ear so i think i will keep my ear drum…sheesh…slicing the inner ear gave me a dang shiver k…the elipsis of the moon…

  2. jasmine calyx Says:

    Oh my. I’m not sure I’m fit to reply. It’s just really good. You’re as impressive as always, especially your flow, line breaks, and sound throughout.

    • ManicDdaily Says:

      Ha. Well, I don’t know about that. I thought it was very interesting to work with the line breaks here–as I didn’t want to just break things up to fit the form – that seemed kind of arbitrary. Thanks for commenting on that as I did spend some thought on trying to get the breaks to add something. And my meanings are usually so incredibly mundane I have to spend time on sound! If I could be profound in anyway at all, I might be able to stick with thought and language, but I really don’t have a very deep mind! k. (I’m not being modest here!) Thanks.


  3. How clever K ~ I like the way you cut the verses, and use of commas and semi-colons :

    or what I
    would mean, onto your throat’s
    notes; devoting my

    all to the
    carve; then, later, to the
    stitching back, as

    Hope you feel better soon ~

  4. Tony Says:

    That first stanza made me shudder – and the mood didn’t lighten up much from there. Strong writing here k.


  5. I love the title on this one. Very evocative, and suits the poem down to the ground.The images really cut right through to the inner inner ear, as it were, and you hit on every note that too often makes the song into noise pollution. I’ll have to cast my eye over this form, it’s very musical, and full of a measuring out sort of quality. Very good writing, k–and aren’t you, as a sick person, supposed to stay away from drafts? This seems quite complete to me. ;_)

    • ManicDdaily Says:

      Ha! I’m not sure, among many things, about the “shone.” Whether it shouldnt be “shines”? I think grammatically it should be shone, and you know me and grammar! Ha! (I care about it but don’t know the rules.) k.

  6. Mary Says:

    Ah, there is much below the surface of these words, I think. Really thought-provoking.

  7. nico Says:

    This is a great piece, full of frustration and even resentment–powerful!

  8. Bodhirose Says:

    Oh, yes, the tension…well, you could cut it with a knife. Excellent…but so sorry you are unwell. Hope you will feel better soon, Karin.

  9. cloudfactor5 Says:

    I sense danger into an uncomprehending rescue, your line breaks make this really wild verse, the cutting, then, to the stitching back loved the ending:
    “in an ellipsis
    skewed my way, shone light
    to sew by.”

  10. marousia Says:

    This piece is filled with restlessnes – love your use of line breaks

  11. Samuel Peralta / Semaphore Says:

    I have tinnitus, an inner-ear condition, so this evoked in me a very real physical reaction, a heightened fear. An ominous atmosphere, dark and relentless, with each lune heightening the tension.

  12. janehewey Says:

    I’ve read so little of this form but it seems you have shaken it up and brought it to life. As told by the title! I love your line breaks and the rhythm you create, especially with the longer lines that seem well over 5 words but are not. You stretched and filled this form completely. Very much enjoyed.

  13. Deborah Says:

    “shines light to sew by” magnificent ! What vision! Great poetry!

  14. Susan Says:

    I like “shines”–once skewed your way, light shines where needed.

    This is such a drastic solution to hearing what we want to hear! But I am with your narrator all the way, wanting to cut out the part that drums my meaning into what I should be hearing. I love the violence here because it is true. But I love that the violence is exposed so that we can find another solution to our incurable romance besides amputation. It reminds me too much of ancient customs silencing female pleasure . . . too much of turning our anger inward to harm ourselves regardless of our implication in the deception.

  15. claudia Says:

    painful images in this…and you seem to have taken the form, and made it your own with the smooth transitions from one to the next..

  16. David King Says:

    in an ellipsis
    skewed my way, shines light
    to sew by

    thought you’d saved the best wine for the finish, but then I read it through again… how do you do it?

  17. kkkkaty Says:

    even under duress we sometimes get inspiration that at first seems to be only a so so draft of a poem but it works 😉

  18. Kim Nelson Says:

    I had to read this three times simply to enjoy the intelligence and imagery. A real pleasure, and no small feat to convey the tale within chained form.

  19. Miriam E. Says:

    oh wow, Karin! I am totally in love with this piece… absolutely stunning work. so much between the lines, so intriguing. You totally nailed this prompt, I am captured.

  20. ds Says:

    Whoa! That opening is harsh; at least you/she stitch(es) it back. The moon in an ellipsis…wonderful. so much here to think on. Thank you, and a very happy 2013 to you!

  21. Kelvin S.M. Says:

    ….how fascinating it is to know you, despite not feeling well, can still write good, evenly structured lunes like these… really commendable… get well soon…smiles…


  22. nicely done Karin, Very strong piece. Love that you seamlessly wove the many individual lunes together to form a collective whole. Great piece. Thanks


  23. You keep to the main reason for the form, which is to keep to simple sensory descriptions


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