Evening on a Train (With Variations of 17 Syllables)
DVerse Poets Pub (dversepoets.com) is hosting a “form for all” night on the haiku and senryu forms (meaning that they are encouraging participant bloggers to write and post their individual efforts with these forms.) DVerse host, Gay Reiser Cannon also has a wonderful exposition on the differences of the forms.
Haikus are not somehow my favorite form. (I tend towards the wordy.) Still, I had a few old ones (or maybe they are really senryu) that I thought of posting for this event, but, well, they were written in Florida in the springtime, and I am currently in New York in Autumn, and haiku are by their nature rather seasonal. As a result, here are some new ones. These are not truly autumnal, but there were all written today at least, on a commuter train going up the Hudson River.
It was a long train ride so I wrote a lot of variations of each, but will spare you all the experiments.
Looking Out/In
In the train window,
night shades into looking glass;
a stranger peers in.
Brain Trap
Brain flutters against
bone. Firefly in a jar
is mainly thorax.
Like You Somehow
Mountains darker than
nightfall. Your warmth like, and not
like, a sun-licked stone.
P.S. – I’m not sure you should title haikus–it feels a bit like cheating (extra syllables) but I threw those titles in at the last minute. Hope you like them and thanks, as always, for your time and kindness.
Explore posts in the same categories: poetryTags: dVerse Poets Pub Form for all, firefly haiku, haiku, Karin Gustafson, love haiku, manicddaily, train haiku
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ManicDDaily 
October 6, 2011 at 11:32 pm
These are wonderful, fabulous poems!
No,you’re not supposed to title haiku, but I sometimes do. You’re also not supposed to enjamb (so by that reckoning only the first of these is a true haiku) but I sometimes do that too. 😀
I actually don’t think you need these titles. And I think you are quite skilful enough to rearrange these and get rid of the enjambments if you want to — but you’ve created beautiful verses you might wish to keep as they are and re-label micro-poetry.
October 7, 2011 at 12:00 am
Thanks. I’m not so stuck on the idea of haiku or senryu (since I’ve written one that was 7/5/7 and actually included the word Haiku in its title!) I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
October 6, 2011 at 11:34 pm
Well, I always title poems (often with lengthy subtitles) so I cheated a lot (unintentionally of course :)). I enjoyed these a lot and understand where you’re coming from on the long poems (I’m writing two epics and just a few weeks ago posted a 2,400+ word poem on OLN). Brain Trap was my favorite.
October 6, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Thanks. I’m really more of a prose writer than poet, so it’s a bit hard for me to be short! The epic sounds very cool.
October 6, 2011 at 11:44 pm
i like them all but my fav is the first as i can really feel it – the night – the train – the cold shine of the pane…and even more intriguing as you usually see your own face when looking out a train pane by night…..the titles almost work like bridges between the haikus – i like
October 6, 2011 at 11:58 pm
Thanks so much.
October 6, 2011 at 11:54 pm
The middle one really got to me–just excellent. I like it that you titled them–it gives them character. i always feel haiku are sort of like anonymous graffiti–very hard to tell a personal style through the heavy formatting. These are very individual, and I enjoyed them much.
October 6, 2011 at 11:58 pm
Thanks. Titles do make them less graffiti like also.
October 7, 2011 at 3:47 am
Imagery works…..looking out/in happens when you travel….and sun licked stone….yes it feels warm and not…
October 7, 2011 at 7:59 am
I cheated too by writing a title.
October 7, 2011 at 9:27 am
creatiively done.
😉
October 7, 2011 at 10:40 am
Brain flutters against
bone. Firefly in a jar
is mainly thorax.
love this, smiles.
October 7, 2011 at 10:43 am
Thanks! (Ha.)
October 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I think each and every haiku deserves a title, yes! Not cheating imo.
The train one made me feel I was there too.
The brain one made me feel my brain is banging around in a box, or a rubber room. 🙂
Awesome on all 3 counts!!
October 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm
I love ‘Looking out/In. Excellent haikus.
October 8, 2011 at 7:02 am
Thanks!
October 7, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Excellent piece! I love this line: “Brain flutters against bone.”
October 8, 2011 at 6:44 am
The train verse was my favorite, too. I’ve spent my share of time beside that same window on the commute between Albany and the City.
October 8, 2011 at 7:01 am
It’s such a pretty ride.
October 8, 2011 at 8:54 am
oh some wonderful textures to this…riding the train is a treat itself but sun licked stone…hot!!!! fireflies are cool as well…was off the grid traveling yesterday so missed the haiku-fest but really enjoyed yours…hope to see you at poetics with whats on your bumper…smiles.
October 8, 2011 at 9:04 am
Thanks. I missed your imagined haikus! I wrote a new poem which is not bumperesque, so probably won’t be bumperesque but will save it.