Nine Reasons Why I’m Glad I Won’t Be Free to Watch Tonight’s Teen Choice Awards

  1. Because I really do understand that my attachment to Robert Pattinson is bizarre and embarrassing and that it’s best not to feed it.
  2. Because I’m afraid that my bizarre and embarrassing attachment to Robert Pattinson won’t survive actual, meaning virtual, exposure to him.   (No offense, Rob.)
  3. Because it’s hard to imagine myself watching any show in which Brittney Spears may be receiving some kind of lifetime achievement award.  (No offense, Brittney.)
  4. Because I used to think of myself as a person who really liked Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf, Nadine Gordimer, James Joyce, Palestrina, Steve Reich….  (No offense, Charles, Virginia, Nadine, James, Pal, Steve.)
  5. Because I’m seeing a dear old friend instead who had Nureyev quality bone structure as a young man, and may, come to think of it, be part of the reason for my bizarre and embarrassing obsession, but most likely wouldn’t understand it.  (No offense, Rudy.)
  6. Because I won’t be able to stand listening to a lot of teenagers saying “phenomenal” no matter how good looking they are.  (No offense, teens.)
  7. Teen Choice Awards?  Who ever heard of the Teen Choice Awards?
  8. I don’t even watch the Oscars.
  9. Because if I continue with embarrassing bizarreness, I can always fast fast fast forward on youtube.

I’m sure there are many more reasons.  Apologies for those rooting for my better nature!

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